


Shattered

by Dreamingwithwings



Category: Free!
Genre: Best Friends, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Drama, Fluff and Angst, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, dark themes, last school year, possible MakoHaru in the future, the darkness is scary without light
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-10
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-02-28 20:54:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2746670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamingwithwings/pseuds/Dreamingwithwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Without Makoto, Haru was sure to shatter into a thousand pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface

  
At the young age of eight, Haru was given a look into true darkness, and the vision he saw was terrifying.  
For everyone else, death was considered the loss of the living. People would mourn and cry, but they would soon pick themselves back up and continue with their daily lives. Would they forget? No. Would they say they weren’t affected by the loss? No. But they had two legs to stand on and fight. Stronger still, they had friends and family to keep them tall through the difficult time. They were not alone.  
But for Haru, death was the vivid symbol of being completely alone. It was this, rather than the loss, that was so traumatizing to him. What Haru feared most was nothing more than being surrounded by blackness.  
There was only a single light that kept him from drowning. His best friend.  
He lost his grandmother to time, and his uncle to fate.  
He lost his friend Rin to destiny, and his parents to opportunity.  
But always there, holding out a hand with a smile, was Makoto.  
No matter how dark the water seemed to get, and how much his heart seemed to hurt, he always had a light to battle the darkness.  
But Haru should have known that even the strongest of lights can be diminished.  
And where was the darkness? Lying in wait, patiently waiting for its return.


	2. A Gift for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The little things are often the most special.

                “Haru!” Makoto banged on the door. “Haru!” When the echoes of his knocking faded into silence, he leaned on his hips with a loud sigh. “Honestly… He’s going to make us late.” Looking left than right, Makoto walked over to the window and lifted up a small flap. Behind it was a rusty-looking nail, a small silver key dangling on it. The amount of times he had to use this key was rather pitiful.

                Walking back to the door, he stuck the key into the lock, turning it until he heard a faint click. “Haru, come on we’re going to be late!” The hall was dark and if anybody else would have come in, they would have assumed that he was not home. Not Makoto though. If Haru wasn’t in the kitchen cooking mackerel, then there was only one other place he would be.

                He set the key and his bag down on the counter, making his way to the bathroom. “Haru, you in here?” he called, not really expecting an answer. He gave one knock on the door, shrugged, than pulled it open. As expected, Haru was sitting in the bathtub, his dark hair bobbing on the surface.

                Makoto waited while crossing his arm, a small smile dancing on his lips. If he had a nickel for every time he found his friend like this, well, he’d be a very rich guy.

                With a gasp, Haru finally surfaced. “Ah. Makoto.” He said simply, wiping the hair from his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

                “…We have school, remember?” A look of remembrance crossed Haru’s face and Makoto chuckled. “Come on, get dressed. We’ll be late.” He crossed the space between them as he spoke and offered a hand for Haru to grab. It was met by a firm grip, and they worked together to pull him out of the tub. “You do know were allowed to use Samezuka Academy’s pool right? You don’t have to keep taking baths in your swimming suit.” He handed him a towel to treat the water beads that were running down his body.

                “I like the bath.” He protested, drying off his hair.

                “Yes yes, water-chan is very lovely.” He nodded. “But I might have to separate the two of you if it keeps getting in the way of school.” Though Haru didn’t reply, he made a noise that sounded like a displeasured grunt. As Haru walked off, Makoto bent over and drained the water, humming. Despite the stress these kind of mornings seemed to give him, he didn’t tend to mind them. This was he job after all. To look after Haru. It was an unassigned job, but he wanted it. Because if he wouldn’t, then who would?

                At the sound of a pan against a counter, Makoto stood up straight. _No…_ Gulping, he left the bathroom back down the hall towards the kitchen. “HARU THERE IS NO TIME FOR THAT!”

                “Hm?” Dressed in an apron, Haru stood over the stove with a pan in hand. “I didn’t eat yet.” Makoto stood there with his mouth open. Unbelievable!

                “You’re not even dressed!”

                “I don’t want to get my uniform dirty.” Was this what it was like to raise a child? He sent mental apologies to his mother as he reached over and grabbed Haru by the wrist, pulling him away.

                “Makoto, but food.” Haru slid a bit across the floor by Makoto’s strength, his legs never moving.

                “You can eat the other bento mom made for you, okay?” Haru thought about it for a moment, then shrugged, letting Makoto drag him across the house to his room.

                “I can dress myself.” He said as Makoto shoved his arms into a shirt and attempted to pull on his pants for him.

                “We don’t have the time for that!” He stuck out his tongue as he concentrated getting Haru’s foot into the leg hole. “The image of seeing Ama-chan scolding us…” Makoto and Haru both stopped to shiver. They’d rather pass on that.

                The idea of it seemed to increase their speed, and in a matter of minutes they were out the door with Haru finishing his tie as Makoto carried their bags. They weren’t late, thankfully, and they both plopped in their seats just as the bell rang.

                “Phew! Made it.” Makoto panted, looking at Haru. “I almost thought we’d be late this time!”

                “Yeah. Next time we should leave earlier.”

                “It’s Haru’s fault we were nearly late!” He let out a sigh, but smiled at the end. “Oh yeah!” Makoto reached over and dug in his bag, producing a black plastic box. He placed it in front of Haru, who just stared at it as if it was going to talk. “Haru didn’t get to eat, right?”

                “Yeah.” He nodded, opening it with his index fingers. Inside were all his favorites, he noticed, eyeing the mackerel with delight. Makoto’s mom was good to him.

                “Better eat before Ama-chan gets here!” Makoto put a finger to his lips, indicating it was a secret. At the thought of his precious mackerel being taken away, he grabbed the chopsticks and started to eat at a rapid pace. “Wait Haru you’ll choke!”

\----

“Mako-Chan! Haru-Chan!” waved Nagisa, standing at the entrance of the school. Beside him was Rei, pushing up his glasses at their approach.

                “Makoto-Sempai, Haruka-sempai!” he bowed his head ever so slightly.

                “You guys ready?” Makoto smiled, adjusting his bag.

                “Yup! I’m so excited!” Nagisa danced on his feet. “It’ll be so nice to swim in a heated pool!”

                “Mmh!”

                “What about you, Haru-chan? Are you excited?” Getting close, Nagisa looked up into his face. Haru shrugged.

                “Yeah.” His voice sounded stoic like always, but his eyes said a different story. They were gleaming with energy and expectation. He wanted to swim, to glide in the water and become one with it like he always did.

                Nagisa could see this, and so smiled and hopped away, grabbing Rei by the arm.

                “Let’s go then!”

                “Ah, Nagisa-kun!” Rei stumbled forward, catching his glasses from flying off his face. As the younger two took the lead, Haru and Makoto walked behind side by side.

                The walk was filled with Nagisa’s shenanigans _“Rei-chan, when we get there we should blindfold you! You’ll swim better for sure!”,_ followed by Rei’s energetic protests _“I’m not going to swim blindfolded I won’t be able to see!”_ which were backed up by Makoto’s insight _“Nagisa that’s dangerous! What if Rei runs into a wall!?” “Eh, but it could work for sure!”_

                Meanwhile Haru walked beside them all silently. Though on the outside he looked almost bored, on the inside he was enjoying himself. Haru found comfort listening to his friends talk. Their voices were relaxing. Pleasant. It was much better than listening to total silence.

                “-Eh, Haru?”

                “Huh?” Haru looked at Makoto, who seemed to be looking for a response of some kind. Instead of bringing him up to speed, Makoto laughed.

                “Haru-Channnn were you ignoring ussss?” Nagisa whined, looking back and pouting. “That’s mean!”

                “Either way Nagisa-kun, I don’t believe you!” Rei shook his head, closing his eyes. “Impossible.”

                “What!?” Nagisa looked shocked. “Why not!?” As they continued to blabber on, Haru looked for Makoto to explain to him.

                “Nagisa told us a story about-“

                “It isn’t a story it’s the truth, Mako-Chan!” interrupted Nagisa.

                “Right right.” Makoto grinned. “Anyway, he said that this girl-“

                “Oh my gosh!” Interrupted Nagisa yet again. “I haven’t seen one of these in forever!”

                “Hmm?” they all stopped and watched as Nagisa ran over to a small shop. The sign overhead read _Al’s toolbarn._ The sign as well as the walls of the store were an ugly redish color, peeling from age and lack of upkeep. Still, the window said open.

                But this wasn’t what Nagisa was running to. Standing next to the door was a bubblegum machine filled to the brim with little balls inside. On its front read _25 Cents_ next to a little metal slot to put the change in.

                “OH, I remember these.” Makoto said, coming over. “They used to have these everywhere!”

                “Look, they’re little sea creature figures!” Nagisa danced. “Let’s get one guys!” dropping his bag to the floor he dug into its contents before pulling out a wallet and taking a coin. He was so excited, he nearly tripped over it as he put the coin in. Nagisa turned the crank, chanting “Get me a good one!”

                Below, a small ball popped out and he picked it up.

                “What did you get?” Rei asked, curious.

                “Aww, it’s a turtle!” Nagisa cooed, spinning in one place. It was indeed a turtle, painted green with a brown chipped shell and non-matching black eyes. “I’m gonna call him Irving!”

                “…Irving…?” the three boys chanted, all of them exchanging looks.

                “Yeah! Doesn’t he look like one!?” Nagisa joined the line they had made. “Rei-chan, you get one too! And Mako-chan and Haru-chan! Irving needs friends!”

                “I think I actually have a quarter here somewhere…” Rei starting digging in his own bag.

                “They are cute.” Makoto smiled, already having some change at hand. He walked forward and placed it in, twirling the crank. “Ah!” He watched with panic as the ball fell to the sidewalk and started to roll away. “No come back!” Thankfully Haru was able to stop it with his foot and Makoto picked it up. “It’s a dolphin!”

                “Aw, really? It’s Haru-chan!” Nagisa smiled, getting real close to the figure. Like the turtle, it was poorly made with faded gray coloring and eyes painted too far apart.

                “That isn’t me.” Haru eyed the detailing with distaste.

                “Aha!” Rei finally found his quarter. “I wonder what I’ll get. Maybe a shark! Or a whale!” he placed his quarter in and cranked. When he looked to see what it was, his whole face became sour.

                “What did you get Rei-chan?”

                “…An eel.” Face in his forearm, he thrust the ball at Nagisa. Staring back were two eels twirled around each other. The dark green of their bodies really complimented the mustard-yellow of their eyes. Nagisa burst into laughter.

                “So unbeautiful…!”

                “No, if you ya know… squint a little…Then they look like shoelaces with faces!” Makoto tried to comfort him and failing.

“Makoto-Sempai!” Haru, figuring it was his turn, took out the quarter he had already found and put it in the machine. They all stopped to watch, wondering what he’d get.

                “It’s a starfish.” He said blankly, showing them. Or, more accurately, a pink blob with five points and eyes of Satan.

                “Aww! Nice Haru-chan!” Nagisa said, peering at it. “It’s cute!”

                “…What do you think the definition of cute is…?” Rei asked, pulling his bag up. He seemed to have gotten over his unbeautiful eel. “At any rate-“ he pushed up his glasses with his thumb. “We promised Rin-San we’d be there at four.” They all complied, grabbing their new prizes and pulling up their bags as they returned to their previous arrangement.

                “I dunno, I think their cute…” Makoto told Haru, exaimining the dolphin. “And look! Its eyes are like Haru’s!”

                “My eyes are not spread apart like that.” Makoto laughed.

                “No, but they have your expression!” he lowered his hand so Haru could see. They were little lines with circles at the end, making the dolphin look bored, almost annoyed. Makoto pulled it back and brought the figure to his eyes, as if analyzing it.

                Haru watched him, curiously wondering what Makoto was thinking about. Haru understood many things about Makoto, which being his best friend he ought to. He knew that Makoto was often a clutz, always tripping over his own body. He knew that he was very smart and intelligent, always getting amazing grades. He also knew that Makoto was the kindest, most gentle hearted person he ever had met, as well as the silliest. Haru knew the fears and terrors that haunted his friend’s mind, as well as the dreams that drove him forward. There was a lot of things Haru knew about, but there were some things that he did not know. And when those unknown things came to him, he would always look at Makoto with a want to understand.

                As if deciding something, Makoto looked to the sky than at Haru. “Here!” he held the dolphin in front of him. “For you!” Haru stared at it blankly, confused.

                “Why would I want that?”

                “Because it’s you, isn’t it? The great majestic dolphin!” Makoto posed.

                “I am not majestic, and that is not a dolphin.” Haru bluntly said. Makoto’s face became crestfallen, not un-noticed.

                “Come on, Haru! It’s a gift! I want you to have it!” Haru sighed, examining his earnest face. Would this really make him happy? The figure was worthless, after all. It barely looked like a dolphin! Yet still, Makoto was placing it as an object with high value.

                Reaching up, Haru took the dolphin from him. “Okay.”

                “Yay!” Makoto sounded genuinely happy, and he stretched his arms out in victory. In contrast, Haru let out a breath as he slid the toy into his pocket. So much work for such a little thing. Still, he wouldn’t toss it. That’d just be cruel. His fingers tracing the edge of his own prize, he came up with an idea.

                “Oi, Makoto.” He said quietly, pulling out the starfish. “Here.” He offered it with his palm flat, not exactly looking at him.

                “You don’t have to give me yours.” He protested.

                “You gave me Makoto’s, so I’ll give him mine.” There was a silence and Haru thought Makoto wasn’t actually going to accept it, but then he felt his warm fingers for a brief moment as the starfish was taken.

                “Thank you, Haru.” His smile was warm, something that Haru didn’t quite understand the meaning behind.

                “Yeah.”

                “I see it!” Nagisa cried suddenly, the academy finally coming into sight. “We get to swim!” his shout carried to the sky, causing quite a bit of people to look at him. A gleam, which had been previously forgotten, returned in Haru’s eyes and he picked up speed.

                “Ah, Haru-Chan! Wait for the rest of us!”


	3. A Fine Line Between Dreams and Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not all realities incorporate our dreams.  
> Not all dreams fail to become real.

_No matter the form it takes, water is always beautiful._ Haru thought this as he stepped onto the sandy beach. The waves before him were violent, crashing into one another like a vicious battle of survival to the fittest. The victor would go on to fight while the loser would be crushed into foam. They were than brought to Haru’s feet, licking at his toes like he were its new king.

                The power of the ocean always left him in awe. He loved the pool, sure. But the ocean always held a mystery that he had yet to explore. It was sudden and unpredictable. Haru wanted to see where the flow of the water would take him.

                Just the thought of water made him throw his shirt off to the side with a quick whip of his hand. In anticipation, the water pulled back, begging him to come. Within the waves a hand was emerging. Transparent and shining, it was reaching for him.

                The corners of Haru’s mouth lifted as he smiled. It was beautiful and warm, a smile that had been seen by so few despite its magnificence. The warmth didn’t stop there, but instead reached to his eyes. A deep blue, reflecting the tone of the water with such heart, such _passion._ His stoic expression was abnormally vibrant, reflected in the way his cheeked glowed, how is eyebrows were arched, and the jut of his chin. Haru’s face was alive and truly lovely.

                He could not wait a second more. To just stand there was becoming unbearable, torturous even. But as Haru made to move his feet, he found he couldn’t. He yanked at his legs, yearning to be free of the sand that had covered his ankles. But his strength was pitiful in comparison to what held him. _Help!_ His eyes spoke, catching onto the hand that had previously been reaching for him.

                The hand, however, was now doing the opposite, curling its fingers back in and pulling back into the waves. “No!” he called out loud. “Wait!-ah!” the sand suddenly became loose below him and he sunk into the ground. Haru was now covered up to his thighs.

                All the warmth that had covered his face was gone, now replaced with fear that he wouldn’t be able to escape... There had to be something, anything that he could grab onto that would pull him out! He looked behind himself, but found nothing.

                By nothing, there literally was nothing. The distance behind him was pitch black. There was no clouds, nor buildings or even an outstretch of sand. It was just him, the grains that held him, and the ocean. Except that was gone now too.

                As the sand sunk again once more, dropping him to his waist and causing his head to hit hard against the ground, he became aware that sight that had previously memorized him had vanished.

                Haru’s stomach tied into knots and he was panicking. Terror was creeping up on him and his breath became uneven. He had to get out, he had to get out!

                He became desperate, scraping his fingers roughly against the sand to try and crawl out. “Help!” he called, as if someone could hear him. In the sand, he could feel hands stroking his flesh. The touch was soft, but unlike a caress, it lacked any motion of love and only managed to send shivers up his spine. In a fluent movement, the hands roughly grasped onto his legs and started to slowly pull him down.

                “hah..” his voice caught in his throat. He tried to kick, but his legs remained motionless. Pained, Haru ignored the blood of his now scrapped fingers and focused all his depleting energy on this one act.

                But the sand kept creeping, and he was falling ever faster into the hands now slithering over his chest. Defeat took over, and Haru’s hands fell limply before a pair of bare feet. His eyes, which too had been falling shut, became wide.

                “Makoto!” he cried, reaching up for his best friend. “Makoto help I can’t get out!” But Makoto, who stood there with a bright smile and a kind expression, didn’t move. He just leaned over and watched as Haru sunk to the bottom.

                “Makoto, please!” Haru’s voice cracked and he tried with all his heart to pull himself free, to pull himself towards him. “Help me… I can’t get out! Help me!” Emerging from the sand, a hand made entirely of what was trying to kill him, grabbed the side of his face. “Makoto…” another hand grasped the other side. “MAKOTO!” he choked back sand and tears stung in the corners of his eyes. Why wouldn’t Makoto help him? “Save me!”

                One by one, the grains of sand piled over him, and Haru was submerged into forever darkness. The nightmare, however, did not end. He hung there, motionless, everything black. Hands pulled at his skin, at his hair, at his heart. He couldn’t breathe, he was choking and his lungs were on fire, but he continued to live. Haru was left to suffer from in this paralyzing fear.

And he was alone. Nothing but dark. Nothing but terror.

 Completely alone. Nobody would save him. Nobody cared. Not even Makoto.

Terrifying alone. This was his fate. This was all he had in his future.

Endlessly alone.

____

                “Ah!” Haru nearly screamed, tearing himself from his bed and falling to the floor, clutching his drenched T-shirt like a lifeline. Beads of sweat danced on his skin and kept his hair damp. That wasn’t all that was wet, however, and Haru desperately wiped at his eyes.

                It was just a nightmare, just a dream. It didn’t happen, it couldn’t happen! Still, his heart couldn’t stop pounding and his body couldn’t stop shaking. Though the hands were gone, he was still able to feel them slithering across his skin.

                “Mh…” he cringed his eyes shut, pressing his forehead into the carpet. The terror still racked through his body, threatening to break him. Haru’s hands weaved into his hair and pulled, hoping that it would make him feel better, but it did very little.

                Instead, he concentrated on breathing. He counted to five, breathed out, and then breathed in for five more. He did not allow his mind to wander.

                Simply put, Haru was scared. He was scared that in subtext, the nightmare was real. That he was indeed alone. But worst of all, that Makoto would leave and abandon him like that, allowing him to sink in his own despair. 

                Many times, Makoto had done that complete opposite. He had raised his spirits and made him feel loved. Makoto was very good at making him feel happy. So much so that Haru had become completely attached to his best friend. It no longer was a relationship based on wanting to be by each other’s side, but a need to be. He was completely stitched into Haru’s life. The only way to take him out would be to take it entirely apart.

                And that, essentially, was what he was frightened by most. That Makoto would leave his life. That one day he would wake up and find it was all a dream and he really was alone. But maybe even more than that, he was afraid that there would be a day that Makoto wanted to leave his life. That he _wished to_ , even. It was one thing for him to be missing from him. Purposely abandoning him was another thing entirely.

                On most days, these kinds of thoughts were buried deep within his heart and kept hidden from even himself. But there had been days where his fear dug itself back out. These days were the scariest. Makoto, of course, knew nothing about the fears the plagued him. Haru always dealt with them alone, using small tricks to remind himself that things were okay and he didn’t have any reason to worry. And for the longest time, things had been fine. Ever since Rin and they had all made up, life had been good. This nightmare had been an abrupt slap in the face.

                Letting out a shaky sigh, Haru sat up. The color was all but drained from his face, reflecting the toll the nightmare had taken on him. Behind him he grabbed a blanket and wrapped it protectively around his head and shoulders, burying his nose into the fabric.

                _Makoto won’t leave._ Haru reminded himself. _Makoto promised. It was just a dream. Just a nightmare._ He repeated these words over and over, using repetition to make himself believe. It seemed to work, as his hands gradually stopped shaking and he could finally get a grip over his thoughts.

                Still, after such a dream he could not go back to bed. Instead, he kept the comfort of the blanket and wondered into the kitchen. He pulled out a carton of milk with a mug and pored the white liquid up to the rim. Haru then set it in the microwave with a slight clink, closing the door and pressing start.

                He watched the mug rotate dully, he face stoic as ever. Many times when he was younger, his mother would do the same thing. Whenever he had been sick or down or just not being his usual self, she would make him a mug of hot milk touched with honey and hold him in her arms, giving him a great sense of warmth and comfort. Even now, when it was only him, it still brought the same sensation.

                The beeping of the microwave brought Haru out of his memories, and he took it out, careful to not burn his fingers. He blew at the puff of steam swirling above before adding a little bit of honey and putting it to his lips. It at first burned his tongue and throat, but after he got past that initial point he could feel the glowing warmth in his tummy and it made him feel much better.

                Licking his lips slowly, Haru cradled the mug in his hands and went to sit on the couch. There he curled in his legs to his chest and stared at the blank TV, every now and then drinking his milk. The clock told him that Makoto would be there in a couple of hours. _Because Makoto always comes._ He reminded himself firmly.  

                As soon as Makoto would step through the door, Haru knew that all his fears from the dream would be compromised. He just had to wait till then.

 Scooting into the corner of the couch, Haru gently laid his cheek on his knee, staring into his cup. The contents rippled at his movement, and he found it reminded him of the water. For the first time, the thought of it made him feel uneasy. He hoped Makoto would come soon.

\--

                “Haru, are you sure you’re okay?” Makoto asked with uncertainty, watching Haru’s movements closely.

                “Yes.” Was his answer, refusing to look at Makoto. “I told you that already.”

                “I know, I know!” Makoto let out a shaky laugh, never removing his eyes. “But you look kind of pale... what if you’re getting sick!?” Haru rolled his eyes and looked at him.

                “I’m perfectly fine. See?” he grabbed Makoto’s hand and placed the back of it on his forehead. “Don’t worry so much. I just had a bad night’s sleep.” 

                “If you say so…” Makoto pulled back his hand and decided to drop the subject. Usually he wouldn’t have found any concern in this. But since he had walked in and found Haru bundled up on the couch, he couldn’t shake the unease that was building in his gut. It was strange enough for him to be on the couch. It was another thing entirely to not be sitting in the bathtub. If it wasn’t for the fact that Haru had called his name upon entering, he wouldn’t have even noticed him and would have gone straight to the bathroom.

                It wasn’t just his behavior though. He looked different. His cheeks were paler in contrast with the darkness under his eyes, which had a sort of glazed look to them. Of course, all these symptoms he was noticing were in fact symptoms of bad sleep. If this was the case, why did Haru have a bad night last night? Did he perhaps have a nightmare? Makoto got sad at the thought. If that was true, and now he suspected that he was right, why was Haru trying to hide that instead of talking to him about it? Granted, Haru had never been a talker. But Makoto always wanted to be Haru’s exception.

                At any rate, Makoto really didn’t need to know the details anyway. He would trust that Haru had his own reasons why he didn’t want to share. As his best friend, Makoto had a job to be there for him. He hoped that would be enough.

                “Makoto! “

“Eh?” he nearly stumbled over his feet.

“Stop looking at me like that. You look creepy…” Haru puffed out his cheek, turning his head.

“Wha- sorry, sorry!” Makoto laughed, rubbing the back of his head. In his deep train of thought, he hadn’t realized he been showing his emotions through his facial features.

“What were you thinking about?” Haru asked.

“Nothing really!” more awkward laughing. “Just- Oh! Mom made us cookies!” Haru’s face showed interest, so Makoto dug into his bag. “She made your favorites!” he handed to them. “Chocolate chip!”

Haru took them gratefully, rather amused that the chips were shaped into fish. More than anything, well besides mackerel, he loved Makotos mom’s cookies. His own mother failed at cooking, and any cookies he had had at his own house were either store bought or severely burnt.  Makoto’s moms however were super soft and gooey and absolute perfection.

Just the thought made him open up the bag and start to nibble on them.

“Tell your mom thanks.” He said through bites.

“You can tell her yourself.” Makoto said brightly. “She invited you for dinner tonight. Its family night!” Haru could vaguely remember the last time he had visited the Tachibana’s for their family night, which had consisted of a very wild game of Uno, a very awkward conversation about the birds and the bees, and a cake on the ceiling. He gave a small smile.

“Alright. I’ll go.” He bit into the rest of his cookie as they walked into the school building.

“Great! Ren and Ran will be excited! They’ve missed you.”

“How? I was over last week.” Makoto shrugged.

“I-“

“Tachibana-san!” cried a voice, completely overriding what Makoto was about to say. They both stopped and looked around for the caller. “Tachibana-san, I finally found you!” Stopping in front of them, a man who looked to be in his later 20’s with square glasses and shaggy brown hair, smiled.

“Ah! Mori-Sensei!” Makoto bowed slightly. Though Haru didn’t know this man, he inclined his head slightly for respect.

“Tachibana-san!” he grabbed Makoto awkwardly by the hands. “You did it!”

“Huh?” he looked confused.

“I knew you would!” Mori-sensei continued. “They said it was impossible from someone at this school, but you sure showed them wrong! Woo!” he reached into his pocket and threw some ribbon in the air. “Kampai!”

“Sensei, what are you-“suddenly a look of comprehension not shared with Haru glowed over Makoto’s face.

“You mean-?”

“Yes!”

“For real?”

“Yes!” Mori-Sensei started pulling Makoto down the hall. “We have a lot of paperwork to do!”

“But I have class!” he looked back at Haru with bright, sparkling eyes. Haru’s own grew wide as he realized these sparkles were tears.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll email her a message! This is for your future, Tachibana-San!”

“I- Sorry Haru!” Makoto called, already halfway down the hall. “I’ll see you later!” They then vanished around the corner, leaving Haru in the hall trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

For his future? What did that even mean? It was possible that Makoto earned a scholarship or something. He got good enough grades for it. But even if that was true, why would it cause him to tear up? It didn’t make sense to Haru.

“I’ll just make him explain later…” he sighed, walking towards class. It was strange, walking to class without Makoto. He was so used to the tall boy’s presence that he literally could feel Makoto missing.

Haru took his usual seat and stared outside, even when the session started. Despite deciding that he would just ask Makoto, he couldn’t help but wonder what brought his friend to tears. Thinking about it made his mind muggy and Haru found it incredibly annoying. All his own ideas were lame. They ranged from practical, like earning a scholarship or spot in a swim meet, to just plain stupid, like Makoto somehow invented a way to let them breathe underwater or Makoto was the hero of time and was summoned to fight and save the world.

The lunch bell rang and Makoto was still not in class. Sighing, Haru grabbed his lunch and made for the roof. Rei and Nagisa would sure be there, and with any luck Makoto would soon join them.

“Hey, Haru-Chan!” Nagisa chimed brightly, waving as he walked through the door. “Where’s Mako-Chan?”

“Not sure.” He said honestly, sitting against the wall next to Rei. “Some strange guy dragged him somewhere.”

“Dragged?” Nagisa and Rei said in unison.

“Oh no! Haru-Chan, how could you let Makoto be kidnapped?!”

“This is bad, Nagisa-kun! Makoto-sempai could be in grave danger!” Ignoring their shenanigans, Haru opened his bento and put some mackerel in his mouth.

“Haru-chan, how can you eat at a time like this!?”

“I’m hungry.”

“But Mako-chan could be fighting thugs on the verge of death!” Rei nodded along.

‘Despite his muscular stature, Makoto-Sempai wouldn’t do very well in a fight. He’s too nice for that.” It was Nagisa’s turn to nod along.

“Hey now…!” Makoto had chosen this time to appear, looking at them all with a faint look of hurt.

“Mako-Chan! You’re not bleeding in an alley!” Nagisa jumped at him for a hug of relief.

“…Why would I…” he shook his head, deciding it wasn’t best to ask. He took a seat across from Haru.

“Haruka-sempai said you were dragged away by a strange guy. We just assumed…” Rei adjusted his glasses.

“…A strange guy?” he laughed at Haru, who shrugged as he lowered his bento.

“What was that all about, anyways?” he asked. “You haven’t been in class all day.”

“Oh...” Just at the question, Makoto’s face became red. “That’s cause I-“he played with his fingers. “Haru, I’m moving to America!”


	4. To Be the Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past is often what prepares us for the future.

_When they were only seven years old, as Haru escorted Makoto hand-in-hand home, they came across a cat. It was small and orange and was laying at the bottom of the steps. It was injured with a large cut marked with blood stretched across its side._

_“Haru-Chan, look!” Makoto panicked, bending down in front of it. “Poor kitty… He’s hurt…” Standing next to him, Haru didn’t say anything but watched as Makoto gently touched a finger to the kitten’s head. In response, it twitched its ear and pulled in its foot with a small meow. “Ah..!” Makoto, his eyes shining and bright, looked up at Haru. “We have to help him! He’ll die if we leave him here.” For emphasis he squeezed the hand that they still shared._

_“Mako.” Haru bent down himself, eyeing the cat_. **Cu-cute** _. He thought to himself, a faint pink crossing his cheeks. “I’ll set him in your hands, so open them up, okay? We can take him to your mom.” Haru ordered, letting go of Makoto and shuffling on his feet to be on the other side. “Ready?”_

_“Mhm!” Makoto said determined, making his hands as wide as possible. Ever so gently, Haru slid his small fingers under the kitten trying very hard not to hurt him. “Be careful, Haru-Chan!” Makoto warned as the cat gave a displeasing noise._

_“I know!” He winced as he felt the warmth of blood on his fingers. “Mako…” Haru’s voice became quiet._

_“We can’t just leave him here!” Makoto pushed his hands towards him._

_“But-“_

_“Haru-chan…!” Unable to fight those piercing green eyes, Haru used great care as he set the kitten in his hands. Makoto’s reaction to the injury wasn’t as obvious as Haru’s had been, and he stood up still supporting a smile. “Let’s go get mom!” Haru nodded, wiping the remaining blood on his shirt._

_“Makoto what are you carrying!?” came the pretty much guaranteed screech as the two entered the house. “Haruka-kun, why do you have blood on you?!”_

_“Mom, help him!” Makoto ignored his mother’s panic and held the cat up towards her. “He’s injured…” as her eyes scanned from the cat to her sons face, they softened._

_“Haruka-kun, can you go get a towel please?” Haru nodded, and went to the closet in the hall. He figured Makoto’s mom would want an older one, so he grabbed one of a sickly green color and returned to the gathered party in the living room. He handed it to her, and they watched as she laid it out on the couch. “Place him down gently.” She nodded to Makoto._

_Makoto did so, his face so serious it didn’t even look like it belonged to him. “Now you two go wash your hands. I don’t want you getting sick.”_

_“Mom, can you make him better?” she shook her head._

_“Sweetheart, I can’t promise anything right now. Now go.” Makoto’s face now a frown, they walked to the bathroom together._

_“Mako…” Haru muttered, lathering his hands with soap._

_“Hm?” Makoto, unlike Haru, was focusing on each finger individually._

_“Smile.” He had still been wearing his frown, and it made Haru feel uneasy. “It’ll be fine.” Makoto’s face softened, his smile reappearing._

_“Yeah.”_

_“Haruka-kun, your mom just called. She wants you home, suppers ready.” Makotos mom’s head appeared at the door._

_“Oh yeah.” He reached for the towel to dry his hands. “I forgot.”_

_“Enjoy your mackerel, Haru-Chan. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Haru nodded before heading home._

_The next day, he didn’t have to wait long for Makoto’s call._

_“Haruka, Makoto-kun’s on the phone!” his mother called and Haru paused his video game to pick up a separate receiver._

_“Hello, Mako?” He didn’t get a reply right away and at first Haru thought that Makoto had already hung up._

_“Haru-chan… Can you come over?” Makoto’s voice was quiet, distant even. He didn’t sound like Makoto._

_“Yeah. What’s wrong, did something happen?” he asked, worried._

_“…Pako died…”_

_“Pako?” the name didn’t register at first. He didn’t know anybody by that name. “You mean the kitten?”_

_There wasn’t a coherent reply, but Haru could tell Makoto had nodded._

_“I’ll be right over.”_

_“Hurry.” Haru hung up and reached for his shoes._

_“Mom, I’m going over to Mako’s!” Haru would have been over faster, but he struggled with his shoelaces in the rush and nearly had tripped down the stairs. When he knocked at the door, the door was answered by Makoto’s father._

_“Hello Haru-kun! Makoto’s in the living room.” Haru respectfully took of his shoes and made his way to Makoto. His friend sat on the couch with his feet dangling, his hands placed in his lap. His eyes were unfocused and sad._

_“Mako.” He said upon entering the room._

_“Haru-chan…” Makoto looked up. “You came.” He sounded surprised, as if he hadn’t invited him over in the first place._

_“Duh.” Haru looked around as if he’d see the kitten where it had been in the previous night. There wasn’t any sign, however, that it had even been there. Like always, Makoto could tell what Haru was thinking._

_“Mom put him in the back… We’re gonna bury him later. They wanted to do it this morning, but I thought that Haru-chan should be there too.” He stood up and offered Haru a hand. “Wanna go see him?” The honest answer Haru wanted to give was no. The last thing he wanted to do was look at a dead cat, especially when it was affecting Makoto so negatively. But the way Makoto was acting, Haru knew that he wanted to go see him._

_“Yeah.” He said, taking the hand. He held it firmly as he was led outside, towards a small box._

_“After you left, Mom had called the Vet to see what we should do.” Makoto said quietly. They didn’t try opening the box, but stood in front of it instead. “We cleaned him and puts bandages on him and fluffed him all up in lots of blankets. He seemed very happy. I didn’t know cats could purr that loud…” he reached up with his free hand and touched his bangs. “Pako really liked my hair. When I was playing with him, he kept batting at my hair. Pat… Pat…” he bat at his own hair as if he now was the cat. Haru could feel Makoto trembling. “He really was a good kitty. I really thought he was going to make it.”_

_“Mako..” Haru said gently, squeezing his hand._

_“I wanted to save him. I really thought I could.. I really thought that…” his words stopped for a moment, and a tear slid down the side of his face. “I don’t even understand why he was hurt like that. It’s not fair! Why did he have to die, Haru-Chan!?” Makoto looked at him for an answer, tears streaming down his face._

_“I don’t know…” he said honestly, wishing he could give Makoto the answer he was looking for. Makoto made a whimpering noise and a choked sob, and Haru sighed turning to face him instead of standing by his side._

_“Mako, you really are an ugly crier…” though the words were rather harsh, his voice was soothing, and Haru reached with his free hand to wipe away Makoto’s tears. “Smile. It’ll be fine.”_

_“H-Haru-Chan…”_

_“If you spend all these tears on this cat, than how will you be able to save the next one?”_

_“huh?”_

_“Mako wants to be a vet right? It’s his dream to save all the kitties and doggies out there… Let Paco be your inspiration.”_

_“But I wasn’t able to help him… If I can’t do that then-“_

_“Stupid-Mako.” Haru interrupted. “I know Mako can do it. Mako is the most caring person I know. If not him, then nobody.”_

_“Haru-chan!” Makoto blubbered, throwing his arms around Haru and crying into him. Taken by surprise, Haru fell backward and landed hard on the ground._

_“Oi…” he winced, but Haru’s face softened as he wrapped his own arms around Makoto._

_“I’ll do it..!” came Makoto’s muffled voice. “I’ll prove Haru-Chan right and become a vet!”_

_“Yeah.” Haru buried his face in Makoto’s hair. “The best.”_

\-- -----

                “Haru, I’m moving to America!” Makoto’s eyes gleamed with excitement as Haru’s chopsticks fell from his fingers.

                “You’re moving to America!?” Nagisa’s and Rei’s voices echoed across the roof as their faces stretched with extreme surprise.

                “Y-Yes!” he used his hands to motion them to not be so loud.

                “Why? When?!” Nagisa crawled on all fours, getting right into Makoto’s face. “Don’t tell me you’re tired of us..!” Makoto laughed, his eyes quickly glancing towards Haru before looking back.

                “No, no! It’ll be a couple of months yet. I have to wait for next term.”

                “But why are you leaving!?” Nagisa obviously didn’t know what personal space meant, and he grabbed Makoto by the hands. “Don’t tell me you did something illegal!” Rei made a shocked face as if that really was it.

                “Why do you guys keeping making me into a delinquent..?” he shook his head. “No, nothing illegal. I applied for a scholarship and it was accepted! Next term I’ll be studying in the best Vet school in America!”

                “Wow, Mako-Chan, That’s so cool!” Nagisa’s eyes glowed.

                “That’s beautiful, Makoto-Sempai! I heard that’s a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

                “It is!” Makoto beamed. “I can’t wait!” he looked at Haru. “Isn’t it great, Haru?” Haru, who had been in a daze up until now, was abruptly brought back.  

                “Y-Yeah. Good job, Makoto.” He slowly picked up his chopsticks, but stopped when he noticed that his hands were shaking. Pulling them back, he placed his hands protectively in his lap.

                “Heheh!” Makoto grinned, his cheeks turning pink. If it was any other time, he probably would have noticed the quietness of Haru’s voice, or even the action with his hands, but because he was so overwhelmed with his emotions, they seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary.

                “Mako-chan, Mako-Chan-“ Haru drowned out the three of them completely as soon as the word America was uttered. He didn’t want to listen. Not when they were talking about…about… Haru closed his eyes, unable to even think the thought. His hands became fists. This had to be a mistake… he must have heard Makoto wrong. He had had to. There’s no way… No way that Makoto would leave him.

                “Haru?” at the sound of said person’s voice, he looked up to see a hand being offered to him. “Didn’t you hear the bell? We better get to class.” Instead of grabbing it, Haru stared at the hand. How many more times would he be offered this hand? It was always something that he expected to see. Makoto’s large, warm fingers, reaching out to pull him up. This could even be-

                With sudden force, he latched onto the hand and was tugged to his feet. His hand lingered for but a second and he gazed into Makoto’s eyes. No, gazed wasn’t the right word. He dove into them, trying to plow into their depths. It had been such a long time where he hadn’t been able to understand those eyes, and it left him frazzled and confused. But they revealed nothing. They were full and unguarded, and yet he could feel nothing but wall. They were already being separated.

                Haru immediately let go, too scared to keep looking. He bent down and picked up his things.


	5. The Hardest Thing to Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are things you should say, but don't.  
> There are also things you shouldn't say, but do.   
> It is up to you to decide which is right and which is wrong.

“Banzai!” In a sudden burst of noise, streamers of all colors rained across the living room and drowned them all in a sea of reds, blues, purples, greens, and yellows. Haru eyed them all with mild annoyance, setting down his own launcher as everybody else clapped in celebration. It did nothing but worsen the headache banging in his brain.

What had started out as family night had turned into a congratulations party the moment Makoto had called his mother with the news. In just a couple hours she had managed to call upon family members, co-workers, and friends to come over and celebrate. Mrs. Tachibana had even managed to whip up party favors, hang up banners, and put together a four layer triple chocolate cake- known to be Makoto’s favorite- with the words ‘Congratulations Makoto! Proud of you!’ written in bright green frosting in the same span of time.

By the time they returned from swim practice, both he and Makoto had been yanked in by eager twins and thrown right into the onslaught of people, of which also included Nagisa and Rei (have to leave early for studying my ass). Haru didn’t even get a chance to go home and change and was forced into borrowing a pair of clothes from Makoto’s wardrobe. Big and a bit baggy, it made him almost feel like a circus clown. 

Haru sighed and took comfort on the couch, laying his hands gently in his lap. The sound of Makoto’s laugh reached his ears and he turned his head, just in time to watch Mrs. Tachibana jokingly grab his cheek and pull him down to kiss her son on the nose. Some uncle that Haru didn’t know then came and clapped a strong hand on Makoto’s shoulder, saying something then giving a booming laugh that shook the fine china. Haru turned his head away again. He wanted to leave. He had nothing he wanted to celebrate. 

Makoto was leaving. How in the world was that something that should be celebrated? Yet, people were laughing and smiling and giving out congratulations and Haru just didn’t get it. Why were they all so happy? Did they not understand what Makoto going to America means? He was going to be gone. Not just gone, either, but gone gone, as in countries away and separated by a huge mass of ocean. There would be no more giant smiling green orca waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs. There would be no more late night visits when something was bothering him. There would be no more Makoto, plain and simple. But nobody understood this. Nobody but him. 

And it was just so goddamn noisy in here that it twisted his stomach into knots of anxiety and tension that he had to forcibly stop his hand from shaking because he couldn’t stand it. He could hear it all, the volumes of their praise, their pride, their laughter, and just their words to the point his temple was throbbing and it stood up the hairs on the back of his neck. His hands clammed up just sitting there and it was warm, way too warm. Haru usually disliked being surrounded by so many people but normally could manage. But not today. Just, not today. He was ready to bolt. 

A sudden skewered salami in his face brought Haru to an abrupt halt. He glanced over to look at the piercing pink eyes of Nagisa, Rei at his side cutting the food on his plate into perfect halves. 

“Haru-chan, you really should try this!” he wiggled the stick in the air. “It’s realllllly good.” 

“No.” Haru curtly replied, looking away. And then because he found he could never really be mean to Nagisa added, “I’m not hungry.” It wasn’t a lie. This did nothing but make the blonde pout before shrugging and eating it himself. 

“Fine, more for me!”

“That’s like your eighth one, Nagisa-kun.” Rei eyed him over his glasses. “your’re going to sink in the pool.”

“Wah!?” Nagisa looked at him was a gapping mouth. “How rude! I am a growing boy, thank you very much! I need all I can eat, Right Haru-chan!?” Nagisa leaned over the back of the couch and started shaking Haru’s shoulder. “You agree with me!” 

“Sure.” He shrugged Nagisa off of him. 

“See!?”

“I wasn’t arguing against that, Nagisa-kun, I was just stating that if you keep eating stuff like that it won’t be just muscle you’re gaining.” Nagisa gasped dramatically. 

“Rei-chan, did you just call me fat!?” Nagisa proceeded to smack him with a pillow off the couch. “Meany!” smack. “Idiot!” smack. “un-beautiful!” smack. Amongst this Haru stood up, brushing his hands off on Makoto’s pants before looking at them. 

“Nagisa.” The blonde paused mid hit, Rei automatically cringing for it anyways. The tone was enough to tell him to stop and he obeyed without a word, tossing the pillow back where he found it. Rei made a sigh of relief. “I’m leaving.” He told them. Both faces fell slightly. 

“Aww, already?” Nagisa whined. “They haven’t even cut the cake yet.” Haru looked away.

“I’m tired. Tell Makoto for me?” Nagisa shook his head in a flurry of locks. 

“No way! You tell Mako-chan yourself, party pooper!” Nagisa childishly then stuck out his tongue. Rei grimaced, and as always translated what Nagisa meant into more proper terms. 

“It would be rude to leave his party without telling him yourself, wouldn’t it, Haruka-sempai? It is a special day for him.” Haru sighed, eyeing the floor. 

“…Yeah.” He looked back over to Makoto, who was now supporting Ran in his arms while talking to a couple Haru recognized as the Tachibana’s neighbors. “See you guys tomorrow.” 

Bidding them farewell, Haru made his way over to where the green giant stood, earning a smile from both Tachibana’s as his approach became known. 

“Haru!” Makoto smiled warmly, taking a slight step back so he could be welcomed into their conversation. “You know Mr and Mrs. Yui, right?” Haru looked at the couple, nodding and inclining his head slightly for respect. 

“Nanase-kun, pleasure to see you again!” the woman smiled kindly. “Haven’t seen you since- well I can’t even remember? How are you?” 

“Good.” Haru realized the two were trying to engage him warm chit-chat, something he could do as well as a goldfish could. He gave Makoto a look. 

“Haru’s been really busy with swim practice!” Makoto praised. “He keeps setting some pretty awesome records.”

“Ah, yes! I remember your grandmother bragging about those!” the man nodded, impressed. “Always called you her little merman, didn’t she? Said you were going to be the star of the Olympics one day.” 

“I don’t care about times.” Haru replied curtly, if not rudely. He didn’t feel like discussing his late grandmother, not that he ever did anyways. As expected, the couple were taken aback. 

“Well, I’m going to go check on your mother and see how she’s fairing. Coming dear?” the man nodded. 

“Sure thing.” He offered Makoto a smile. “Good luck in America, Makoto. Knock ‘em dead!” 

“I’ll try!” Makoto smiled as they walked away, adjusting his sister in his arms before he looked back at Haru again. “They’re very nice, aren’t they? Mom says they know a guy with apartments back in America and might be able to hook me up with a special offer…”

“Makoto, I’m going home.” 

“Ehh?”

“No, Haru-chan, you can’t leave!” Ran pouted, her hands grabbing at the air between them. 

“We haven’t cut the cake yet!” Makoto added, glancing over at chocolate monstrosity. Haru in turn looked at his feet, biting his lip. Makoto decided to let his sister down then, who peered up at Haru with sad eyes. 

“Haru-chan, don’t go!” she grabbed at his hand, holding it with both of hers. 

“Are you okay?” Makoto asked with a slight frown, watching Haru teeter on his feet. He took a step closer. “You were a little off this morning too...”

“I’m fine.” Haru looked up, not exactly meeting his eyes but not exactly trying to avoid them either. “Just tired.” Makoto watched him for a second. 

“Okay. I’ll come over a drop off some cake later, okay?” Haru nodded.

“Noooo, Haru-chan!” Ran yanked at his hand. “Stay and eat cake with me and nii-san!” Kneeling forward, Haru gave a small smile only noticeable by her and her brother.   
“I’ll come back and eat cake with you another time, okay?” He gently pat her on the head. 

“Tomorrow!” 

“Okay, I’ll come tomorrow.” Her face brightened at this prospect and let go of his hand as Haru stood back up. “Bye, Makoto.”

“Bye, bye, Haru.” Haru was sure he should have said something else. Any proper guest would have said congratulations. Any proper friend would have wished him luck. Any normal best friend would have made sure to be the last guest of the night and offer continuous support. But he found he could do none of these. All he could do was leave in deafening silence. 

\------------------------

The bath water, as always, was welcoming. It wrapped around his limbs with its warm fingers, and soothed at the tense muscles underneath his skin, softening it with faint rubs. Even when his body was relaxed, it didn’t stop. The heated water continued to dig through the layers of his skin and touch his very core, embracing it in its fluid form until it too became warm and soothing to the touch. It was then that he could lay there in true contentment. Just he, the water, and silence. 

The silence was music to his ears. Its tune flowed through him and wrapped him up securely, protecting him from the world’s reality and allowing him a blissful feeling of nothing. Right now, he didn’t want to think. And he didn’t have to think. Not here. Here was a safe space. The water granted him this. The water always allowed him to be free. He didn’t have to think about friendly eyes or bright smiles or warm hands. He could think about nothing. It was everything. 

But the water couldn’t protect him forever. Two hours later, Haru reached over the tepid water to pull the drain and let his head fall back on the porcelain behind him. He sat there, still, as he listened to the slurps of the water flowing down the drain to leave him naked in an empty tub. 

“Even you’re leaving me, huh.” He whispered quietly, closing his eyes. It was silent, but it didn’t feel like it anymore. He could hear his own breathing, feel his own heartbeat. But nothing was louder than the pressure building inside his mind. It made no sound, yet was roaring to the point of deafening. As his fingers clenched into a fist he decided it was time to get out. 

He did very little to wipe himself dry, changing into simple sweats and a t-shirt, before making his way down to the kitchen. His stomach, which had had wanted nothing to do with food at Makoto’s party was gnawing at him like a savage, begging for food. Haru decided to go simple and threw some mackerel in a pan, watching it sizzle without expression. 

To his dismay, however, Haru found that within a couple bites of the fish he could no longer manage it. The rock in his stomach was too large, taking up any room for food. He pushed it aside with a slight bite of his lip. Haru let out a slow breath as he felt the anxiety inside build up again. The prickles started in his heart and with each beat flowed through his veins to the rest of his body. He could feel its ferocious tug to make him unravel, to pull him apart into broken fragments of what was once whole. 

“Shit.” He mumbled, laying his head in his arms on the table and clenching his toes. Haru closed his eyes tightly and buried his nose in fabric, admittedly trying to run from the overwhelming pressure overtaking him. All it took was a single word to ring through his head to shatter his calm exterior, and with it brought forth thousands of questions that he both did and didn’t want the answer to. Why? 

There were so many whys, ones that involved Makoto why was Makoto leaving why was he abandoning his life in iwatobi why was he so happy, ones that involved himself why was he being betrayed why was he being left alone why did the darkness want him so damn badly, and even whys that led to the universe itself why was this happening why did things have to change why can’t we just stay together. But in the end, it all boiled down to simply one question. 

“Why, Makoto?” Haru’s voice cracked, unable to stop the broken sound just like he was unable to stop the hot tears trailing down his face. “What did I do to make you want to leave me too?” No longer able to hold back, Haru held his face in his hands and cried, his sobs dancing throughout the house. 

He knew he was being selfish. Haru knew way too well that he shouldn’t be sitting here and crying when Makoto was happy, when Makoto had made this choice. But he couldn’t help it. It hurt so much. His light was about to leave him behind and Haru was afraid of the dark. 

\--------------------------

“Don’t take too long, Makoto, you have school tomorrow!”

“I won’t mom!” Makoto promised, his face naturally holding a smile as he slipped on a pair of shoes, a plate piled with cake carefully balancing in his hand. “It’ll be just a second.” Being careful not to tip the cake on its frosting, Makoto hummed as he made his way to Haru’s. 

It was a bit late, around 10:00, but Makoto had to figure Haru would still be up. After all he had announced that he would bring cake by later, and it was very much like Haru to stay up and wait for him. Even still, if for some reason Haru didn’t happened to be up, he would go in and leave it on the kitchen table. Makoto chuckled to himself. Maybe he would leave him a little note. If he would be a bit more artistically inclined he would have attempted a cat, but that was a mistake waiting to happen. Perhaps he would settle for a heart instead. 

With this in mind, Makoto didn’t even bother to knock, slipping inside the house and calling out Haru’s name to announce he was there. He didn’t earn a reply, though there was little chance of him getting one anyway. Taking his shoes off and placing them neatly next to Harus, he made his way to the kitchen. 

“Haru-chan...” Makoto came to a stop, a warm smile draping over his lips and reaching his eyes. You’ll catch a cold like that.” Of all the things he had expected, Haru asleep at the table hadn’t exactly crossed his mind. Had he been waiting for him? More careful then before, Makoto made sure to be quiet and passed Haru’s sleeping form to set the cake on the counter beside a half-eaten plate of mackerel. He decided that he would write a note after all and grabbed a post-it note and a marker, writing the words Cake for 'Haru-chan! <3'in careful print before sticking it to the rim of the dish. Makoto then shut off the light before returning back to the other room. 

Whenever he slept, Haru always seemed like a different person. While the conscious Haru was guarded and reserved, in sleep he was much more innocent and vulnerable. It probably had to do with his long eyelashes and the curve of his cheeks but he always seemed to take on the image of a young child. Makoto knew he would be hit if he ever said it out loud, but he looked cute like this. There was no cold shoulder or hard eyes. Without such barriers he was smaller. More fragile. It was a reminder that Haru wasn’t as strong as he always tried to appear to be. It wasn’t that Makoto didn’t know that (he had seen plenty to know that wasn’t the case), but sometimes he forgot. Besides swimming, cooking, and art, Haru was also a good actor. Even Makoto himself sometimes struggled with Haru’s actual feelings. Those eyes didn’t always let him in to see. He had to guess at times. Sometimes he wondered if there were times he was wrong.

Crouching beside Haru, Makoto reached over and pushed black bangs back to look at his face. His hair was soft to the touch, and also slightly damp, probably from a previous bath.

“Let’s get you to bed, Haru-chan.” Makoto whispered quietly, taking his hand back and standing up. The talk of such made him yawn, which he slapped his cheeks in earnest against. He was ready himself, but he had to take care of Haru first. Bending down, Makoto carefully wrapped his arms around Haru’s waist and pulled him bridal-style into his arms, Haru’s head falling lightly against his chest. 

Despite his efforts to be careful, Makoto must have jogged Haru too much because by the time he reached the stairs there was movement in his arms. Seconds later, cautious blue opened to look at him.

“Makoto?” Haru must have been in a deep sleep by the way his voice sounded, and to that Makoto let slip a smile. 

“Sorry, did I wake you? I tried to be careful.” Haru didn’t really seem to be too annoyed, instead choosing to look at Makoto with a steady glance. He didn’t try to weasel out of his arms. 

“t’s fine.” He mumbled. His heavy eyelids closed his eyes for a moment and by the time he was able to re-open them Makoto had already arrived at his room. The way Makoto was handling him it was like he was made of glass, the other pulling back his comforter and laying him down like any false move could break him. “You didn’t have to carry me.” 

“I know.” Makoto smiled, grabbing the blanket and pulling it back over and up to Haru’s chin. “But I wanted to. If I had left you as you were you would have caught a cold for sure.” 

“Makoto.” Haru pulled his hand out of the covers and signaled Makoto to lean closer, only to flick him in the forehead when he did. “Idiot.” He cast his gaze to the side. “…and thanks.” Makoto rubbed his forehead but was delightfully beaming. 

“I left some cake for you in the kitchen. There’s kind of a lot since both Ren and Ran wanted to pick you out a piece, but don’t feel bad if you can’t eat it all. I know you don’t like sweets that much. Is there anything else you need before I go?”

“No.” Makoto nodded, stretching his arms up behind his head.

“I’ll be seeing myself out then. Sleep tight, Haru!” 

“…Night, Makoto.” Haru curled to his side, watching Makoto by the door with drooping eyes. “Hey, Makoto…” 

“Hm?” Right at the entrance the orca stopped, his green eyes bright enough to pierce through the darkness. Haru felt his heart hammer, but pushed the words out anyways.

“Congratulations.” He knew he had to say it, even if he didn’t mean it. Because he was positive Makoto needed to hear it. He was the only one who hadn’t said it, and even if Makoto never would have said anything about it, Haru knew him well enough to know a simply thing like that was enough to bring him down. Even if it hurt, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do. He had to say it for Makoto’s sake.

“Thanks, Haru.” The smile that followed was brilliant and heartfelt, ten times brighter than any that had been given the entire day. 

“Yeah.” Haru was just glad the tears on his face had vanished before Makoto had arrived.


End file.
